The Man Blog: Part II
This is part two of a three-part series where I interviewed men to really try and understand the inner-workings of their minds in regards to dating, devotion, and dick pics. Read part one here and part three here.
My best friend and I frequently lose ourselves in hour-long iMessage sessions that involve an excessive number of screenshots and an overabundance of side bubbles. Haha. Exclamation points. Heart. Haha. Heart. Thumbs down. Exclamation points.
In the midst of a recent veteran volley – where two or three conversations are passionately playing out in parallel to one another – she writes, “Do you think we’ll ever understand men?”
My fingers, mid-fire, halt in paralysis. And it’s not because I’m contemplating an answer. It’s because I’m taken aback by my mind’s immediate subconscious response to her inquiry that is now sitting solo at the bottom of our seemingly infinite thread.
I write, slowly, “The better question. Will we ever understand ourselves?”
The flashing bubbles that are now the placeholder at the bottom of my currently outdated iPhone screen dance rhythmically to the new Bieber song that is sneaking out of my MacBook speakers. And the time that it takes for her to send said message is inconsistent with the four-letter response.
Shit.
Because we both know. It is about us trying to better understand men. So we can show up powerfully in a way that resonates with what they need from relationship. So we can protect ourselves from the sly sweet-talkers. So we can exist with wisdom inside the dating pool.
But even more than that, it is about us trying to better understand ourselves. Why we lack confidence in certain areas. Why we agree to go along with things that feel inauthentic to our beings only to appease men who have yet to create solid foundations in our lives. Why we hurt because he didn’t text at the right time or rent the right movie or use the right adjective to describe our butts in those new designer jeans.
When openly explored, an honest effort to better understand another is an even deeper effort to better understand ourselves.
And if I have learned one thing in this process of both interviewing men and transcribing their answers in juxtaposition to my own experiences with the male species, it is that the opposite sex has a helluva lot to teach us about ourselves.
With that being said, I bring to you part two of the male mind (as perceived by my feminine brain).
On pet peeves
Hi. Yes, hi. As in, the word itself. At least in the world of online dating. Because no guy wants to match with some babe on Bumble and get the pickup line “Hi” or better yet “Hiiiii!”
Honorable mention for terrible first-liners: “How’s your day (or week) going?”
Dear gawd, no. Ladies, c’mon, we can do better. Lead with anything but these incredibly boring and overly impersonal statements. Bonus points if you can use his bio to conjure up something sassy. If he doesn’t have a bio, tell him he’s really not making this process any easier on you – or, better yet, swipe left.
Because to all my male readers out there, if you want a woman to lead with a pickup line better than “hi,” please take five seconds to write something about yourself. And when I say “something,” I literally mean anything whatsoever. Also, please remove gym selfies of any kind (shirtless or otherwise). And if you really want to spice things up, avoid group photos – we don’t actually know which one is you – in addition to that one picture of you with the fish (it’s ridiculously overplayed at this point). Finally, please return the favor on ditching the generic greetings. I can’t think of anything more anti-climactic than taking the time to come up with a witty opener only to be confronted by, “Lol. How’s your Tuesday going?”
*Blinks slowly and aggressively. Thinks about the eggs she made for breakfast and the fight she just got into with her boss for the ninth time in the last 60 days. Aborts conversation. Because, boring.*
Seriously, my single peeps, let’s all just actually try. We’re already in the app. We made a profile – with a bio. Let’s exude even the most minute amount of effort.
On a slightly more important but related note, communication problems were a huge pet peeve for nearly all the men. Ghosting, of course, topped the list (yep, they get ghosted just as much as we do). But deeper than that were the men’s needs for honesty and transparency:
“We can avoid anxiety by just talking about everything. Don’t be all about me for a week – making plans, holding conversation, exchanging risqué photos – then do a 180 on me. Just be open. You don’t see a future with me and want to keep it platonic? Cool. My time is extremely valuable. Dating, in my eyes, is starting something with someone that could be a potential life partner. If that doesn’t line up with your view, be honest.”
And one of the things I really gathered through this (very sophisticated) interview process is that men are more open to talking than women give them credit. It’s my belief that we still live inside a societal story that says that women feel too much and men don’t feel enough. I argue that men – or, at least, most of these men – aren’t afraid to feel. They want to show up to their relationships with a voice.
And, hear these words, women. We squelch many a man’s voice in the name of humility as a façade to our physical insecurities. Men call us beautiful, and we love to tell them that they’re wrong. When we respond to words of affirmation without genuine thanks, when we tear apart our bodies as a means of nullifying those compliments, it is not humility. It is self-deprecation.
And men are not responsible for saving us from our inability to accept certain parts of ourselves.
Men are also not responsible for healing our past experiences:
“If your last man hurt you, I get it. If you’re still hurt by it, that is totally fine, but do not drag me along in a relationship just so I can deal with your pain. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s not okay for you to put it on someone that has done nothing to you to receive that backlash. If you’re still that hurt, you aren’t ready for a relationship. Stay single, do you, and fix yourself before trying to commit.”
And at the heart of all these issues is our collective voices.
Yes, some people are simply more amusing than others – trust me, witty banter is an absolute non-negotiable for me and my future partner in crime – but every concern we encounter as humans can be navigated through the expression of our thoughts.
Words, spoken from a transparent heart and heard by an open mind, will always save us. Not distracted. Not loudly raised. Not accompanied by eyerolls and crossed arms.
And this is why we must show up for ourselves first in order to show up for others. Because we cannot get from a relationship what we want until we know what it is that we need.
I was having a conversation with an old friend recently. As we plunged into an endless supply of deep-fried corn chips and a large pile of homemade guacamole, she told me that her partner was more needy because her partner needs more of her time.
My challenge. They are both needy. One needs more time together to feel loved. The other needs more space to feel grounded. Both are necessary. Both are right. Their inability to articulate that to one another would be their demise, not the needs themselves.
Because we are human, we have needs. Therefore, we are all needy.
Anyone – male or female – who is not willing to show up to the conversation, to work through the disconnection of his or her needs coupled with another human’s natural instincts to provide in certain (usually completely different) capacities, is not the one.
On honesty
Ironically, these same men who want to show up to their relationships with a voice also blatantly admit that the whole “I’m not ready” line strongly errs on the side of bullshit.
And, here’s the ultimate irony. Men – most men – genuinely care about women’s feelings. They don’t want to hurt women. And, as a means of protecting women, they write off their lack of interest by placing blame on themselves. They attempt to carry the weight of the relationship roadblock by saying that they’re not ready. And, yeah, if he’s hooked up with a girl before, he’s a lot less interested in completely severing ties to this repeated possibility.
The problem lies in the perception of this statement, how the female brain seeks to demystify the madness. Because our egos tell us that he’s still interested. Our egos coax us to wait. Our egos encourage us to overextend ourselves in the name of potential partnership. We hold space. For far too long. And then we are surprised when he ends up with someone else.
Fact. There is never a wrong time for the right girl.
Retweet. Screenshot. Save to favorites. Because the girl that a guy can simply not live without is not going to have to wade through his readiness:
“Honestly, if he says he isn’t ready, this means you’re not the one. It’s a way of being protective of the other person.”
So, back to the irony. He tries to protect Girl A. Girl A puts false hope into unarticulated expectations. Meanwhile, he keeps looking for Girl B to prove his readiness. He finds Girl B. Girl A cries about her broken heart.
But, Girl A, he told you he wasn’t ready. He. Told. You.
And, guys, please. Females are not fragile flowers. We will not break. We want your honesty. The best and worst parts of it. Tell her she is not the one. Admit that you don’t feel a spark while sitting beside her. Communicate that you need something different. And, keep looking. But, do not carry her in your back pocket and call it safe. You are cutting off her air supply.
Let me repeat that, men. Your well-intentioned, but misguided, protection is suffocating her.
And, I don’t want to take away from a man’s ability to exist inside of his own self-awareness. Because he most certainly can. Of all the males that I interviewed, there was one guy who conceded to an actual real-life possibility of not being ready. He’s a single dad. He went through a toxic marriage and an even messier divorce. There was a point in time when he wasn’t ready – at all – but he also admits that in not being ready, he wasn’t out there looking for love.
Moral of the story: “At the end of the day, when I’m brutally honest, I don’t lose any sleep for shooting it straight.”
Louder for the people in the back.
On dick pics (and receiving nudes)
It may come as no surprise to y’all that I’m still perplexed by this phenomenon; however, I do feel as if I understand the methodology – if one can call it that – a little bit better.
First thing’s first, most of the men I interviewed were appalled by the fact that men even send dick pics, specifically unsolicited ones. I was informed repeatedly that men like to ignore the fact that penises are just simply not cute.
Honorable mentions for other descriptive adjectives: “fucking awful” and “not aesthetically appealing.”
I know what you’re thinking, ladies. Yes, I know, these guys, they’re good guys. So, of course, I considered sliding into some of my deeply archived – if even unblocked – Bumble DM’s for those not-so-great guys with the message, “Yeah, hi, why did you send me a shot of your private parts a few months ago? Just wondering.” But, alas, I did not.
What I can grasp is the animalistic nature of it and the ways in which technology has exacerbated the ease of delivery:
“A peacock’s feathers. A horse on its hind legs bucking. A bull grunting. It’s all part of a sexual showing. Part of it is instinctual, I think. Part of it is current technology. Part of it is litmus test. She rejects the pic? Not interested, not sexual, not into you. She comments back on the pic positively? Then a pathway is opened for the conversation or relationship to become more sexual. When a woman replies with nudes in kind, that’s like a mating dance. It’s incredibly exciting. It’s a matched passion. There is also an addictive energy to spontaneous sexual acts. It’s why people have sex in alleyways and cars and bathrooms at restaurants and bars. The energy of it is like a drug.”
Okay. Makes sense. But let’s also remember the whole phone thing, a device so easy to hide behind. Last time I checked, a man pulling down his pants in public after meeting a female for the first time is simply not socially acceptable – or legal, for that matter. Technology changes the dynamic of relationship-building, of course, but it should not blur or ignore or erase lines between flirting and harassment.
On the other hand, do men want nudes? Well, duh. Yes. So many of them had nothing but praise for the feminine physique. And I don’t mean raunchy comments about boobs and butts. I mean genuine awe for the uniqueness of every woman’s body.
But hear me, females seeking something of substance, men want to work. And while there seems to be some indecision in regards to a specific timeframe for receiving nudes for the first time, there was a fairly common consensus that immediate full-exposure shots weren’t doing anything to raise the vibration for our female collective:
“In my opinion, women send booty pics because they feel they don’t have much else to offer. So, yes, I do lose respect for girls that send nudes right away. I’m basically out at that point. If it’s too easy, it isn’t worth it.”
And I’m actually kind of cringing writing these comments because the double standard is so incredibly high. For men.
As a woman, I don’t want dick pics in my DM’s, but I also want to be able to send a nude whenever I damn well please – as a matter of principle – and not feel like I’m doing it to overcompensate for a lack of intelligence.
I HAVE BRAINS, my conscience screams.
And maybe this is where we’re stuck. At the intersection of empowerment and political correctness. Because men have traditionally been the dominant sex since, well, the beginning of time. And the one place where women have been given any type of authority is via our bodies.
To get an unsolicited dick pic from a guy is more than just the digital transference of pixelated data. It is an assertion of power where, she did not ask, and the man does not care. It is a nod to female’s stereotyped inferiority. It is both a penis and everything but a penis (especially when the guy puts it next to a shampoo bottle for frame of reference).
And here is where the electricity goes out and the streetlights start flashing. Because society has unapologetically informed women that the only thing men want is our bodies. Yes, the beauty of the feminine physique. But also, the raunchiness of the over-Photoshopped boobs and butts.
Because, for centuries, our only undeniable source of power has existed inside of our nudity.
The traditional narrative says that women are not leaders. We are not CEOs. We are not bosses. We often do not even get to make decisions about our own organs. We have spent years under the guise that our minds are, in fact, a burden. Something for men to endure – yes, endure – to receive the pleasure of our bodies.
And, holy shit, are we selling ourselves short. Because, in part one of this series, I pointed out that men – yes, these men – are looking for intellect and wit and confidence. Of course, physical attraction is important, but the male species is not on a mission to make out with fake bee sting lips and clean their clothes on our washboard abs.
So here we are. Reluctantly sitting at that aforementioned intersection. Streetlights still blinking. Ignorant to best practices for how to interact in such a scenario. Impatiently pleading for someone to go and another to yield while the cars continue to pile up in the background.
This traffic jam will not unclog itself overnight. The story we’ve written to so deeply separate men and women will not change tomorrow. But it’s changing. And I think we owe it to ourselves to treat all nudes with the same level of caution and care.
Guys, ask permission. Because you really don’t know that she wants it. Because, seriously, you have no idea (no matter what your ego is telling you).
Ladies, ask permission. Because you want that respect reciprocated. Because your body is beautiful. Because you are more than just your body.
—
For more of men’s takes on commitment, the current state of dating, and hope, you can read part three here.
To read more on what men (really) want from women, you can read part one here.
